Special Forces: Soldiers Part I -Director's Cut - Aleksandr Voinov,  Marquesate "The man wanted him. Might not know why, or when, but there was something pure and wild and feral in this. Something perfect."I am emotionally drained. Don't know if it's a good thing, but I do know that this will be a book that I will NEVER forget as long as I have a functioning brain inside my head.Now I really really wish my English was better, because I just don't know how to describe this book. It is just EVERYTHING. The range of emotion this put me through... and every single one of them was intense. Nothing mellow about this book.“Funny,” Dan murmured at long last, “it’s another first today.” He paused, “You seem to be the one for firsts,” his breath caught, “and lasts and always.”This book was a lot of firsts for me too. Here they are;MY FIRST WAR EPICI think it's my first war book altogether. The story takes place during the war in Afghanistan (1980's) and follows two characters, a Soviet Spetsnaz, Captain Vadim Krasnorada and a Scottish SAS soldier, Dan McFadyen. It is brutal. War, violence, rape, torture, massive graves, genocide, you name it. I didn't think I could stomach a war book before, but strangely, it was really interesting to read about it. Maybe it was in the writing, or the story itself, but the gruesome and violent parts were so terribly intriguing. Like watching a train wreck. I wanted to understand it better, wanted to see more into their heads, I wanted them to fight, and I loved those scenes where they kicked each other's asses. I won't go into any detail about the story because you really shouldn't know. It's an experience to be constantly shocked and thrown back, so me telling you what it's about... not much help :) "He wanted the man so desperately. Had wanted him like the bullet, like death, like going home."FIRST CHARACTERS THAT I'VE GROWN TO LOVE, AND THEY DID SOMETHING TOTALLY AND UTTERLY UNFORGIVABLEI don't think there's anyone here that doesn't know what happens at the very beginning of the book (or at least if you're thinking of reading it, you should know). Vadim rapes Dan with a fellow comrade. Now, while reading that, I was appalled. Shocked. How could this man be the main guy?? How could they ever have anything between them that isn't pure hatred?? He could. And they could. Dan was fueled by revenge, and he did some unforgivable things also. And now I know this book did a real mindfuck on me. I was rooting for Dan to get his revenge. Do some harm to Vadim, he deserved it. When it happened? I wanted to cry for Vadim, felt so bad for him. Is that normal? I don't know. This book just didn't provoke any normal responses from me, because somehow I started to like both Dan and Vadim. I wanted to know what they were thinking. I wanted them to meet more often. Then I wanted them to never be apart! And by the end, I just loved them both. So, if anyone told me I'd be loving a rapist and a torturer character, I'd say they were crazy. I guess I'm the crazy one now."He let go of Dan’s neck, then, without thinking much, took his face into both hands and kissed him. Just like that, like the Hungarian fencer. No fear, or misgivings, body to body. Fairly chaste, as the thought of teasing, arousing and passion seemed far away. Smelling the soap, the damp skin from the shave, and the long hair. Tasting what amounted to bitterness. Tears."FIRST BOOK WITH SO MANY SEX SCENES IN ITThis part really got me by surprise. I didn't expect that much sex (not complaining though XD). But the way it was done! It's like it wasn't just sex, it was the evolution of their relationship and how they changed through the years. Every scene was different, and brought something new between them. They pushed the boundaries, tried everything, rough, gentle, and it took them long enough to come to terms with their feelings (other than intense lust and obsession). I was just wow-ed. The most intense M/M sex scenes I've ever read. FIRST BOOK WITH -THAT- MUCH SWEARINGIf I combine the English swear words I've heard so far in my life, it wouldn't amount to how many were in this book XD I'm not a big swear person so it kinda shocked me. I'd be happy never to hear or see the word 'c*nt' or 'c*cksucker' ever again in my life. Sadly, I know I've got more SF books to read XD and I'll probably top this record lolFIRST BOOK THAT PROVOKED THREE HOURS OF CRYINGWhile reading this, I was definitely 99% feeling. I don't know how many times I cried over a particular scene, but after that 75%, it was constant. Just one blow after another. I kept crying even at the good scenes, don't know why, maybe it was just too much emotion and it had to go out somewhere. I sometimes hate the fact that I'm a sucker for sad scenes. The most I ever cried (fiction related) was after I finished 'Brokeback Mountain'. Cried constantly for 45 minutes. After the movie 'Devdaas', I sat in shock for an hour, wasn't able to say a word, than I cried for another hour. This book broke another record. Over 3 hours of crying from 75% to the end of the book, and then some after I finished. NEVER have I read or been influenced by something this emotional.THE FIRST SEX SCENE THAT GOT ME WET - IN THE WRONG PLACE!!!!Now, this is a long, long scene. And I cried through every line of it. Yes, their sex made me cry like a baby (the ending of the book if anyone's wondering). The saddest love scene I've ever read, even if the sex was nothing but rough, pain, lust, desire, power, dominance and submission. I cried. I knew what it meant and what was coming. And every single thing they did just underlined that, and I was sobbing while they were doing it. Normal?? Don't think so. But then again, I already said this book didn't provoke normal responses by me.This is the only thing that will keep me going through Special Forces.“I will be back.” No matter what, no matter how. “I will find you.” Whatever it takes.I want to thank my beautiful friends who encouraged me to pick this up, everyone in the buddy read. I'll never forget this book. EVER.*no emoticons in this review, I just couldn't, it's too beautiful and too painful and too emotional and too... TOO*